By Bruce Karnick

March of 1992 forever changed the lives of many people in Hastings. Timm Mathiowetz, a 16-year-old student at Hastings High School, would call his mom on a Friday night in March to ask if he could spend the night at a friend’s house. Little did anyone know; this would be the last time Donna Mathiowetz would talk to her son. Later that evening, Timm would be at a party with his friends where he would decide to play a deadly game involving a revolver.

“The combination of a group of Teenagers, with their yet to be developed brains, because they’re immortal and nothing bad is gonna happen. That’s the common theme that runs through most kids’ heads, ‘ahhh we’ll be fine’. Then there was beer, and then there was a gun. You can’t find a more deadly combination.” Donna says calmly.

I know, as a reporter, you are supposed to stay out of the story. You are supposed to just report it. See, the thing is, I lived it. I went to school with Timm. I knew Timm, I knew many of his friends, I knew his parents, I knew the people at this party, and I know how this story affected Hastings 28 years ago. I was 18, it was my senior year and like it or not, this was part of my story now too. Every graduating class has their tragedy. Every class loses a classmate in some way. Classes around mine lost people to a deadly car crash, other classes since have lost some to illness, some to suicide. Death is part of life, it’s part of growing up, it’s part of growing old, it’s part of school even though it shouldn’t be. But this, this was different. This one hurt. Some it hurt right away, others it hurt years later, and others continue to live with the hurt. It was not gun violence, something we hear about all too often these days, it was not even an intentional act of violence. It was a deadly combination of very poor choices made by normally decent people. I had the opportunity to sit down with Donna for nearly an hour to talk about her new book, but we talked about so much more. She made the conversation easy for such a difficult topic.

“A lot of Timm’s friends are married, have kids, gosh a couple even have grandkids. I talk with them once in a while. All their kids know the story.” Donna explains.

See Author Donna on Page 10

Hastings Author Donna Mathiowetz held a book signing during the Grand Opening of DR Youngren’s Art Space and the expanded upstairs of BeLoved Boutique, BeLoved Bridal. Her book, What Have You Done Since I left? is a book about hope in a time of grief, not just for those grieving, but for those looking to support those that have lost. Photo by Bruce Karnick Author Donna From Page 1

“They shared that story with their kids as soon as they were old enough to understand.” These parents were telling their kids, “This was one of my best friends, here’s what happened.”

The story of Timm Mathiowetz’s death was really an anomaly in the early 90’s even though grief was not. It took Donna until 1997 to be able to tell the story clearly and effectively. That’s when Donna and her husband Dick were asked to start a grief group called ‘The Hastings Area Grief Coalition’ “We became a part of the core group who birthed this grief group in Hastings that is still going today.” Donna stated. She then began speaking more and more. Her first book related to the topic of grief was called “The Journal for your Journey” she also created a 52-card deck that helps folks that are grieving with their journey. “You pick one card a week and it gives you something to work on, how am I doing with this aspect of grieving?”

A second loss Donna and Dick Mathiowetz also lost a second son, Oleg, two years later. They learned of Oleg, a Ukrainian orphan that had cancer. They adopted Oleg in the hopes that they could get him to the United States, get him in to treatment and with medicine that was more advanced than he was able to receive in the Ukraine, heal him. “We made the decision to be his family, and for six and a half months we were and then he succumbed to the cancer. So, it was two years between Timm’s death and Oleg’s death. Very different types of deaths, of course. What I always felt was, because of the way Timm died, I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t be there for his final moment of life. I went from seeing Timm off to school that Friday morning, to seeing Timm laying in his casket at the funeral home.” She recalled. With Oleg, it was different. She was able to be there for another child. They did a make-a-wish trip, hospice care. “I just drank in whatever I could get from being there for another child that needed a mom and a dad going through this.” The journey with Oleg was short but taught the Mathiowetz’s some important aspects of grief, aspects that would help them help others.

As grief support groups were much less readily available in the late 90’s, they were also much less diverse. Meaning you would have families that were experiencing completely different types of grief. A family that lost a child due to suicide is grieving vastly different from an 80-year-old widow that lost her husband to a car accident. Yes, the widow can empathize with the family, but they may also think ‘I can’t imagine losing one of my children.’ “We knew there was a need for a separate group just for parents, so we then created what we called ‘Gone too Soon’, a group just for parents who lost children.” This specialized group bonded quickly, and many became friends outside of the group. They will often engage in social gatherings at each other’s homes, “Well, we did, until six months ago. We are hoping to get back to some heated garage time soon.” Donna laughed. “People are continually being helped by just being around other people who understand. I don’t have any big presentation to make that says this is going to make this all better, but what we have is, people around a circle who can say I get it, I understand.”

The new book Donna’s new book is called What Have You Done Since I left? A title that came to Donna’s husband Dick. One night, Dick had this scene begin to unfold in his mind. He saw himself being greeted by Timm in heaven. They sat down at a table. Timm reached across the table, took his dad’s hands, looked at him and said, “So Dad, tell me everything you have done since I left!” The first part of the book speaks to those experiencing grief. The later part of the book is for those that do not know what to do to support those around them experiencing grief.

“The other part is what I call come alongside. Because I think we have a long way to go in how to come alongside people experiencing grief and support them. What do I say? What don’t I say? Is it ok to send sympathy cards months later? Should I talk about their loved one or will it make them feel bad. Which those of us that understand grief so well, we kinda chuckle at that one.” She says. “I am such a big proponent of say their name, especially when people lose children, because one of the biggest fears we have is that people will forget they ever lived.” Which makes sense. What kind of an impact does a 16-year-old have on the world to be remembered? Yes, the families will remember, close friends will, but how far beyond that?

The conversation with Donna was comforting, as is reading her book. There are many emotions you will experience when you read What Have You Done Since I Left. You will cry, you will smile, and you will feel hope. Even if you are not on your own journey of grief, you will know someone who is, probably many people who are, and hopefully, you will learn ways you can better support them. Even if it is the simple things like mowing their yard, or shoveling their walk and driveway, maybe making their favorite dinner, or just coming alongside to ease their load for a few steps.

In so many ways, Donna reminds us, no matter where you are in life, you are not alone. Someone is willing to come alongside you and help you with what ever you are going through. There are support groups for so many things that we as humans go through in our lives, not just grief. If you need support for something, please reach out and find that support. The hardest step is the first one we take.

Donna’s book What Have You Done Since I Left is available online at www.unfinishedbydesign.com. You can also find it in Hastings at Quaint and Quirky 216 Second Street East in downtown Hastings. Donna is also hosting a book signing on Friday October 9th, 4 to 7 p.m. at Froth & Cork Coffeehouse and Wine Bar located at 110 Fourth Street East Hastings. Please stop by to see her, pick up her book and tell her you read about her in The Journal.

As I mentioned above, the topic of grief is a difficult one, I wasn’t a friend of Timm’s in school, I knew him, we talked, we butted heads over stupid things I am sure, I didn’t dislike him, but his death affected me and friends of mine. 28 years later I sat across the table talking to his mother about it. I’ve teared up a few times reading the book, writing this story and even interviewing Donna. As a person, it’s hard not too, as a father of two new adult children it’s impossible. But what gives comfort in all the emotions our journey takes us on is knowing there are people like Donna that care. They care enough to share their story, they care enough to hear and be a part of yours, they care enough to come alongside. Everyone needs someone like Donna Mathiowetz in their life.