This is part two of a series of articles to help families have positive and constructive discussions around a difficult topic.
Part 2: November 28, 2024
Part 1 can be found in our November 21, 2024, edition and online at HastingsJournal.news
With the loss of my father in September of this year, as explained in part one of this thought process, it became clear to me that we really do not know what truly happens immediately after the death of a loved one. There are so many things that need to be taken care of on a plethora of levels. The planning of the funeral being the forefront of things, on top of processing the grief, making all of the legal changes for accounts and loans and property. Contacting retirement plans, insurance, cell phone company, etc. It is a lot, but the most important piece of this is being able to grieve.
With all those stressors and more, during the planning of my father’s funeral, the journalist in me wanted to write this series because I hope it will help you and your family start these conversations and make them a positive part of life to ease the burdens when the inevitable comes.
I sat down with Elise and Craig Schumacher from Starkson’s Family Life Celebration Chapel and Minnesota Memorials to talk about the benefits of pre-planning. Elise is a licensed funeral director with over 13 years of experience, Craig recently made the career switch to work with Elise and start their own memorial production company.
Why pre-planning?
Part one of this series ended with starting the conversation about pre-planning the funeral of the elder family members as a gift to the rest of the family. Elise had a great answer as to why.
“I want to make it very clear that when people pre-plan their services, a thing that I see very often is, if a gentleman comes up to pre plan for himself, and chats with us, a lot of times something that I see is he tries to keep it as minimal as possible for the family,” explained Elise. “I don't want a funeral. I just want the cremation and nothing else, because he thinks that is going to be the easiest thing for his family. What I have to explain to people very gently is, your family is going to need that funeral service. Because not only are they going to need that event to mark your life and the accomplishments that you lived and be able to celebrate that, but they also need the support of the community coming together and taking care of them as well. So, it's also the conversation of you think you know what's best for your family, but what are they also going to maybe need in that time as well?”
The family needs this is so very true. When my father passed, we knew cremation was the path he had chosen. The day we all met at Starkson’s, we were offered the opportunity to have a private viewing session. My mother did not want to do it, but my sister and I did. We knew it was our last chance to say our goodbyes and I love you. We also knew that, even though she didn’t want to, mom needed to and to convince her would likely take the help of her sister, so we made that call. It took all of ten minutes for our aunt to arrive and within a few minutes, we all went to say our final goodbyes. It was tough, but so very needed. I needed the last image of my father to be of him lying there peacefully, not of the efforts of the Hastings EMS trying to save him. It was needed for mom too, and after we left, she was glad we talked her into it, because it was a good, healthy release for her, too.
Starkson’s can help navigate the intricacies of the end-of-life celebration so well. They were amazing to deal with and if you are reading this outside of the Hastings area, I am sure you have a local business that does the same thing.
Ok, you are sold on pre-planning, what next?
Call them. Talk to Elise or Craig and collect the resources they have available to guide you through the pre-planning process.
The first thing I would suggest is to do something fun around this eventually sad topic. Go through pictures with the immediate family. Think about the thousands of pictures you have from when you were little to now. Think about all those memories that are just waiting to come alive from the pages of a photobook.
Going through the pictures of my dad was very therapeutic, but it was also sad. I will never again be able to hear him talk about all the stuff he and Jerry used to do when they were working on his 54 Chevy Belair because seeing that picture triggered a funny story he would tell. I will never see the pride on his face when he saw pictures of him and my kids when we took family pictures.
Go through pictures, tell stories, share why that one picture is important to you because that one will turn into 100 and you will share 100 stories that the family can look back on fondly when they need to submit the pictures for the slide show. This is something that can be done frequently, you don’t have to do it all in one sitting. Think about it for a second, quality time with the family, sharing impactful stories from your life. That sounds pretty amazing, fun and like a great bonding opportunity, right? See, pre-planning a funeral can really be a positive experience.
That is where we are going to leave this week. There is a time crunch because of Thanksgiving and this paper is going to be in your hands as early as Wednesday. Maybe this is when you start that conversation. Talk to the family and tell them I made you think about this, and you also want it to be a positive thing for everyone. Remember, as I said last week, if this comes out of no where with no “I am fine, but this local newspaper goof got me thinking, we should talk about pre-planning some of this stuff to make it easier.” Your kids may freak out a little. I am absolutely cool with being to blame for you scaring them for a few seconds.
Heck, have them read these stories, maybe they will understand better by seeing what my family went through; by reading the things I had going through my head and why I want you all to have an easier experience than I did. Just writing about it is easing some of that stress on me too. Remember, we all end up in the same place when it is all said and done, we all leave this earth, death is a fact of life, we might as well make it as stress free on the living when we go as much as we can.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!
If you would like to get a jump start on that plan or want to write your own version of this story, start by calling Elise at Starkson’s. She is happy to sit down with you and help guide you through the planning process. Elise can be reached at 651-437-9419.