This is part one of a series of articles to help families have positive and constructive discussions around a difficult topic.
Part 1: November 21, 2024
As family gatherings go, some families avoid conversations around differences in politics and religion and some enjoy those conversations, but this is not about “those” kinds of conversations. This is about something, no matter how hard we try, no matter how many technological advancements are made worldwide, we all become part of.
In an effort to help me, a friend of mine told me, “Welcome to the club.”
She continued to explain that this club is not a fun one, as a matter of fact, this club is one all of us would never truly join willingly, but it is a club and the important piece of being in this club is, we are not alone. It is actually the largest club in the world if you think about it, and I hate that I am in it, even though I knew it was coming eventually.
I will never forget the date of September 10th, 2024, the events of that day will forever be burned in my brain because it was the day I joined that club. I will never forget the phone call sitting at Wendy’s in Cottage Grove having a nice peaceful lunch by myself. I can even tell you the seat I was in, how fast I made it home and the replay of just how fast I parked in my neighbor’s driveway because mine was blocked and then ran into the house.
Several Hastings officers and emergency medical personnel were in the house trying to save my father’s life even though we all knew it was a futile effort; they tried with every ounce of energy they had, and it was around 1:00 p.m. that I became a member of the “I lost a parent club.”
As stated earlier, this is a club that nearly everyone ends up belonging to at some point in their life. If you are part of it already, you know what I mean, it is not a fun club to be part of, and I am sorry you are with me and so many others, but it is important to remember that we are not alone.
What no one tells you is that losing a parent is way more exhausting than anything you have ever experienced. The emotional rollercoaster is draining mentally and physically. You are forced to process a lot of stuff, and the first few weeks are catastrophic to your mental and physical health.
Those first 400 plus words are even difficult to write more than two months after he left us, but it is an important lead in to why I am writing this and what I am writing about. The next line is going to sound a bit morbid, and you will likely think ‘why do I need to keep going?’ Because I am trying to do you and your family a favor by getting you to talk about planning for the future, a future without you, the parent.
Maybe not you, it depends on where you are at in life, but if you are not a parent, you can start this conversation with your parents and other family members. Having this conversation now and documenting things will make that week or two after the parent is gone far less stressful on the family.
See, after my father passed, it was up to the three of us to plan the funeral services. Myself, my mom Kathy and my sister Jill, and we did not have long to do so. We did ask my father’s siblings to join us for the planning meeting and they did a wonderful job with the moral support overall. They helped with a few of the smaller decisions, mostly talking mom and Jill through stuff like the program and thank you cards, but the bigger decisions were up to us, and there are a lot of bigger decisions to make along with communicating the decisions that were already made.
Trust me when I tell you this, sitting at a funeral home talking about your loved one that just passed away is really draining and guess what, you are already running on empty. You really have no more energy to give to this, but you do it because it must be done.
Must be done. Think about that for a moment. When it all comes down to it, eventually, planning a funeral is something that must be done. The good news is, you have a choice as to when to do it. You can talk about it now as a family with everyone still around and you have some time or wait until a parent passes and then do it rushed when you are already drained.
Starting the conversation
This sounds kind of morbid right? Planning your own funeral? Or does it? Does it need to be morbid, or can it be a positive experience? I believe it can not only be a positive family experience, but it can open the door to sharing important memories for everyone.
I sat down with Elise and Craig Schumacher from Starkson’s Family Life Celebration Chapel and Minnesota Memorials to talk about the benefits of pre-planning. Elise is a licensed funeral director with over 13 years of experience, Craig recently made the career switch to work with Elise and start their own memorial production company.
This first installment will talk about why you want to start the conversation and how to start the conversation.
“We really specialize in the pre planning side of things, as well as the monuments. The reason why I really wanted to make the focus on pre planning funerals is because I've sat across the table from hundreds and hundreds of families. I've seen how things are able to go when there has been some preplanning, and then on the flip side, when there hasn't been. What I see is it's not so much that the kids don't want to do this for mom or don't want to do this for dad, but it is the fact that you can kind of sit there and go, I just want to do a good job honoring my dad. You may think ‘I know what that might mean, but my sister might have a different idea. I think I know what they want. But what if I don't do the right job, and what if I get this wrong?’” Elise explained.
That was a huge stressor for me personally, what if I got it wrong? What if I do not include the wishes of every family member that he was important too? That is where pre-planning can take away a large portion of stress. Pre-planning gives you the information you need to get it right.
“I actually see pre planning as the greatest gift that you can give to your family,” added Elise. “Because there are no questions about what it is that you want. I've seen that, when so much of it is taken care of ahead of time, then the remaining family is able to focus on their grief journey and just a couple of things that need to be done at that time. I’ve seen where it is not so consuming that they have to put their grief aside to try to think through all of these difficult things. So, it really is a gift.”
That is the reason behind putting this in writing and submitting it to you, the reader. Think about all the stress and fear surrounding death. I’m not ready to go yet, I have my kids and granddaughter to see grow up, but do they know what my wishes are for when it is my time to leave this earth?
“With the holidays coming up, now would be a good time to begin those discussions. I always tell people it doesn't probably have to be the main topic of conversation at the Thanksgiving dinner table. But if you're over there sitting with your son after dinner or something like that, just say, ‘I'm starting to think about these things, and I'd like to get some things written down. Do you have any ideas about what you want?’” said Elise.
As a child, if my parent were to bring that up out of the blue, I would immediately think “what is wrong?” The gentle lead into this conversation should include, ‘I’m good, I’m not planning on going anywhere, but we are not getting any younger, so we should talk about these things. I want to make this difficult thing easy for everyone.’ Making it easier for everyone involved is really an important part of the conversation.
With the conversation started, we will talk about what to talk about and how to make it a fun experience for the family. Are you looking to be cremated? Burial? What pictures are important to you for the slide show and many other important parts to preplanning.
If you would like to get a jump start on that planning or want to write your own version of this story, start by calling Elise at Starkson’s. She is happy to sit down with you and help guide you through the planning process. Elise can be reached at 651-437-9419.